Little Moments

I'm sitting in class. It's 6:42pm as I'm writing this. It's halloween. Kids are out there trick or treating, fulfilling their night portraying their favorite superhero, cowgirl, vampire, and so on. My sisters are out at a church party with my girlfriend right now. And I'm missing out.

Some might think this isn't a big deal. I do. I've grown up being really close to my family. Close as in my parents know everything, even if I don't tell them, they can just tell something is up with me. My sisters are the greatest ever, and always make me smile, despite arguing with them every so often. Being close like this means I very much look forward to the family vacations, the movie nights at home, or the football games for dad. And especially nights like this.

I think this is really hitting me hard this year because life is finally hitting me. And it sucks. I don't want to be here. I want to be with my family. I want to see my baby sister Hannah's excited face when she's running around doing those cheaply themed carnival games, loading up on candy she'll never eat. It's hitting me, because I had a long period of time earlier this year I was, for lack of better words, an ass to everyone. I was miserable with the girl I was dating, because how torn between her and my family I was, and I missed out on a lot of family things, because I felt that the girlfriend was higher priority, because I let her control things. I shouldn't have, but I did. And it hurt my relationship with my family. I missed out on my sister's gymnastic performance. I missed my dad's football stuff. I didn't even do fantasy baseball leagues with my dad, and that's not like me.

But now that the past is behind me, and I'm where I know I belong in life right now, I don't want to miss any more. I hate myself for being mean to my family back then, and I want to correct that. I know I can't make up for lost time, but I want to be there for the future time. I don't know what my plans for college are yet, but I really want to be close. I don't want to be in the world alone yet, and somewhere where I miss out on a gymnastics performance of Hannah's, or getting to take photos of my sister's first date.

If anything, I wish more people would spend time with family, as well. A lot of friends want to move out and go away from their family because they hate it, and some deserve to. But things aren't always as bad as they sometimes seem, and those little moments of laughter in the kitchen from a surprise attack of a wet towel war, or food fight. They're disappearing faster than I want, and I want to hold onto these as long as I can.