Real Dreams

I don't blog much as I want. Time takes a way a lot of that for me. Life's been crazy lately. Well, that's an understatement. But I want to write this out, for those somewhere out there that might be going through something similar.

Growing up is hard. No one can legitimately say it's easy. It's not.

waiting for the parade as a kid on Main Street. 

As a Disney fan since near-birth, I've always grown up with good triumphing evil, and the protagonist learning a great life lesson and growing from the experience. One film, and I've referenced it many times before on my site, that stands out and speaks volumes to me is Tarzan. The concept of growing up from a boy to a man. Protecting your loved ones, and being truly, who you are supposed to be in the world are all messages that I take to heart.

In this world now, it's hard to find that peace and contentment, when so much goes on. I'm twenty. High school was a good time, but I feel I didn't really grow up then. The last year of my life has been the most life changing so far. I'm steps away from being really a man, and no longer a little kid. There's been fights with family over how to handle life situations, slowing down and realizing I don't need to rush into things, but consider everything before I make a move. But now, I'm becoming my own man. I'm moving out of my house I've grown up in for twenty years, and into a studio apartment in town. I won't be down the hall from my parents. I won't wake up to my little sister cannon-balling onto my bed on Saturday mornings to watch Jake and The Neverland Pirates, or even arguing with my bigger little sister (closest to me in age) over the last slice of leftover pizza in the fridge. It's the oddest, weirdest transition in life. But at the same time, the funnest and most exciting. I'd be lying if I said that this isn't hard on me too, but I know that it's time to grow up more than I am now, and this is helping the process.

I'd also be lying if I said I hate not being a kid anymore. There is something to be said about the innocence of children that I admire the most. As a young kid, I spent hours in my room building sets out of legos and creating my own adventures. I dug trenches and tunnels for my hotwheels in the back yard, right next to the dirt circle I played marbles with my grandma. Or the countless afternoons of eating Kid Cuisines and watching Steve Irwin on Crocodile Hunter. It's a simple, nothing but fun life as a kid. They don't know what cold realities the world has waiting in the shadows, ready to pounce on them as they age. And with recent times, it's really been hitting me hard that things like Sandyhook Elementary, or even the child that lost his life in the Boston bombing had to face that reality even sooner than they should have.

Which is why I'm writing this, saying that as grown up as I'll have to be, I will never lose sight of the childhood innocence. Having a little sister who's just starting first grade soon, I'll always promise to never do anything that won't break a real of naivety and innocence, and will always keep the magic I had as a child of Disney and things like that alive. Worlds such as Cars, Tinker Bell and her Pixie Hollow. The Hundred Acre Woods of Winnie The Pooh are all real. They exist as long as you believe in the stories. And I can guarantee you, the day I marry the girl of my dreams, and we have our own children, I'll be the dad who brings characters from stories to life with acting them out with voices, and jumping on the bed, or hiding behind curtains. Building pillow forts in the living room to watch movies all Saturday morning. And not just leaving them in the living room to do it on their own, but being right in the fort with them. And always instilling in them that this world may be hard and cruel. People will hurt you. But it's up to you to make it happy for you, and for those around you. I can't live with myself being upset over how cold the world is. And I can't live with myself if someday I don't carry on happiness and true creativity and an awe and wonder for the world around us to the next generation.


I may not work for Pixar or Disney, but they have it right with creating worlds and elements that I used to look at as real and believe that Pirates pillage towns, and I can climb Tarzan's Treehouse, and Escape Pleasure Island with Pinnochio, or fly off to Space inside a Mountain. It's all real...if you believe in it. I want to create and make worlds better than ever for kids younger than me to fall in love and wonder with. And as I pack up my room in a week and leave home, sort of like Andy did in Toy Story 3, I'm sure I'll cry, because my childhood has been over, and reality of adulthood is really fully setting in. But at least I can now find fun ways to watch the younger ones enjoy it like I once did.

My oldest younger sister and I planning out our adventures. 

This is just a collection of random thoughts that's been heavily on my mind, and I'm sitting at my desk at work tearing up right now as I write this, but I don't want to lose sight of how the world CAN be viewed, and honestly should be viewed. Because cold darkness that is portrayed through so much is a virus that infects too many people. There really needs to be more genuine happiness and appreciation, and love for things. I just want to be another person in the world providing that for the next generation(s) to come.

So, like Russel from "Up" says, "Adventure is out there!". Do something in the world to make an adventure to go out there for. 

Life is....what?

I've been thinking a lot lately about things. Evaluating a lot in my life. I'm in a pretty alright spot. Good job, good family, good girlfriend, good schooling...the list goes on. But just like many others, I facebook stalk. Who needs reality television when you can watch someone's daily journal of posts and photos unfold every few hours in front of your eyes?

As I grow up from being a legitimate kid to being a full-blown adult, things change. Your perspectives grow harsher and more narrow than before when you had a spectrum of concepts and less cares to worry about as a child. I'm of the age to think about what I'm really going to do with my life. How successful do I really want to be with my career. When do I want to get married, start a family, travel to which destination on my rare vacations from work? So on and so forth.

This isn't judging. This is me questioning and looking for answers.

But with growing up, comes the age to do things without your parents consent, which would have been severely objected to by them when you were a mere two to three years younger. Young adults around my age having a kid outside of being married, not having a job, and then arguing with their significant other online in public areas for the rest of us to watch makes me really consider how I want my life to be, and wonder where theirs went 'wrong'. I put wrong in quotations like that because who knows if it's wrong or not. It could be wrong to me, but not to someone else, and I'm not here to judge. But I wonder how peoples lives will play out. Will the young adults child someday rise from the societal so-called mistake his/her parent make, and make something of themselves like Oprah did from her poverty, or Eminem from his trailer park life in Detroit? Or will they lose hope and fall into the titled 'rut' of "well, this is as good as its going to get" and not contribute to anything else in the world? How will the parents feel if their child succeeds them in life? Will they be proud that they made it better than they could provide, or would they be jealous that they couldn't do as good as their child, and attempt to piggyback their success?

It makes me wonder what I can do to make my life easier and less of a potential struggle than what others I see go through. How I can live as simple, fun and stress-less life. I don't know what my tomorrow is going to bring, but I pray that I can figure out how to handle anything that comes my way, and do it respectfully and right in the way of treating everyone else around me with class and hope that it does some good.

I just hope that in the end, I can look back at things and know that no matter what, I did the best that I could for any situation I was in, and that it led to being a good positive in my life for the future to come. 

Happy

You know, I never have really cared who reads this thing or not. I write on my "hideout" because I figure someone else is going through something similar to my life at times, whether it's happy or sad, and if I can somehow help them by letting them know that they're not alone in anything, and other people have problems too, then maybe I did the world some good, no matter how small.

Life hits hard sometimes. Lately it's punched me pretty good, and I've had blows that really hurt. From dealing with death, to lower than acceptable grades in college, to getting turned down from a college you were setting plans on and around to completely change nearly everything with what was "scheduled" for the next two to three years. With my personality, this doesn't sit well.

Why? It's because I'm of the type that likes to know what's going on. Not even being in control of what's going on. Just knowing what will happen makes me content. So getting the rug ripped out from under me with being denied entry to the Fall 2013 quarter at CSUB changed my entire plans. It first freaked me out, because I thought cumulative GPA was the reason, or that they were just too full to accept a middle-class, gonna-have-to-get-student-loans white kid from a farm town.

But without going into A LOT of details, I spent the weekend with my other half and good college friends at a Christian retreat at Hume Lake. No cell service to distract us, and a full three days to focus on life and our relationship with God. Coming back off the mountains that weekend, because of the speaker, I realized that I can't always know what's going to happen. I'm going to have to just trust the fact that there is a plan for my life, and things will work out despite not being what I originally thought I wanted them to be. Because what I want may not always be the best route to take.

And now today, I spent time going to the college and asking questions to people, wanting to know why I was denied, and what I need to do to fix it and get in next time. Because of the trivial nature of the California School System, they want me to finish all 60 units of gen-ed before transferring. I'm only about 10 away from finishing that, and am going to get them done in the summer time. But rules are rules, and this rule sets my plans back a quarter or two.

But the blessing here is that I can breathe a bit. Sure, I was ticked when I couldn't keep going gung-ho all the time and powering through all of this to get it done. You see, I'm taking 18 units right now, working 40+ hours a week, often times more. Factor in the times I spend going on trips to Los Angeles or Disney, or the coast, or spending time with family or my other half, and I'm burning my candle at both ends, and it's close to being burned out. This seems to be a sign of saying "Dude, you really gotta shift into low gear for a bit and not overheat the engine you're revving so hard right now". So I'll take a bit of time off before diving into my major. I'll slow down and just live a little less chaotic, and maybe get more than 4-5 hours of sleep a night.

And as a final note, the past 4 or 5 days are the happiest I have felt in a long time. For once in a great while I'm actually content. I have everything I could ever want with life, and I noticed I'm laughing more, smiling brighter, and being nicer to people as well (that's definitely been a problem I've worked hard on. Just ask my parents). So from here, I just need to try to keep my contentment and happiness going, and realizing that life's plan is really for me to just sit back and enjoy the ride. Because I can't force things to happen and expect it to always turn out so beautiful. That's not how life should be lived. It's a ride and I'm here to enjoy it. 

No Such Thing

"So the good boys and girls take the so called right track

Faded white hats

Grabbing credits

Maybe transfers

They read all the books but they can't find the answers

And all of our parents

They're getting older

I wonder if they've wished for anything better

While in their memories

Tiny tragedies"

This part of the song from John Mayer's No Such Thing really stands out right now. What's the best way to go in life? No one has that answer. Even if you think you do, you don't. Everything is customary to each person in this world. Just like no two snowflakes are alike, nor two fingerprints, no two humans are exactly alike with their life decisions and route they take to live. 

So why does society tell us what is best? Does having an iPhone, going to see _____ movie, or even going to _____ school make you who you are? Make what your life should be? I'm not here to preach how to live your life. I don't even know how to really live my life outside of the basics of what works for me: having a solid faith and relationship with God, love my family and girlfriend, and be as kind and good to everyone around me. But outside of that, what makes life "livable"? 

I'm fighting to figure out my transfer issues with college right now, and it's a real drag to deal with because of the system that's so problematic. I could go into how messed up it is that people who aren't even a citizen like the other 310+ million of us are, are getting into college easier than I am, or how because my parents make "just enough" "on paper" that I can't apply for FAFSA. Thanks alot, middle class white society for that one. 

But really, ever since the dawn of time, the ones that pursue knowledge have turned it into a club to pay to know what they've learned. Not that it's a bad thing. We wouldn't have a lot of things we have today if it wasn't for the people who want to know whats past the stars, or under the sea, or how to make something brighter than a candle and create a spark of electricity. But what's wrong is how selective this club is now. You need a ____ GPA to walk the halls of brainiac university. Better yet, you even need to be of a certain social class to even be looked at right from people. Perfect example: Matt Damon's character Will Hunting from Good Will Hunting. He was a JANITOR for the whizzes that created theorems and hypothesis. Yet he solved a problem that no one else could. Sure he's a rare case, but who is really one to deny anyone of access to knowledge if they really want to pursue it? 

I understand it stems from hard work, and that a lot of people could fail the system for being there so long if they don't understand their areas of work. But why can't we restructure the system on a pay-to-know basis? There's a recent trend in the schools that allow you to retake a class up to three times before you can't take it anymore in the California junior college system. And it's not even from that. What purpose does everyone need to know on the basis of basic classes past high school? Gen-ed college is barely more than what I learned in high school. Why can't it be open-sourced for people that actually WANT to know the information, and pursue it for however long, be accessible easier than the hoops needed to jump through to get to your passions?

I'm going to cool off and think more about my thoughts on this, but this is what's been on my mind this morning. 

Letter To You

I'm going to be honest: I'm sorry. To everyone that I ever have hurt, possibly hurt, or intentionally hurt. I'm sorry. Looking back, I was a jerk. Selfish, even if I didn't think I was. Rude, even if I thought it was clever. So here's a list of apologies I owe. I figure I might as well not keep the skeletons in the closet, and just let it out to dry in open air. So in no order, here's some of the apologies I owe to a lot of people.


My parents: I'm sorry for lying, stealing, deceiving, sneaking around, being mean and rude, and so much more. I'm sorry for not being what I should be at times as a son. For being sarcastic and not handing arguments or family fights the way I should. I'm sorry for skimming the change from the cash to the grocery store when I've had to get stuff. I'm sorry for not being as mature as I need to be at times with things.

My external family: I'm sorry for being rude at family get togethers, not wanting to talk, despite everyone's downfalls, I need to put that past me and still be courteous.

The girls of High school past: I'm sorry for flirting and not following through if I was interested or not. I'm sorry for making out, and I'm sorry for not getting to know you deeper than I did.

To my last ex: I'm sorry for being bitter about things after we broke up. Things happened for a reason, and I wish you the best in life.

Mr. and Mrs. Reeves: I'm sorry for lying to you about that one time Brad and I snuck out after formal to meet girls and not be at the dance where we should have been.

Grandma: I'm sorry for manipulating the situation as a kid and getting more toys at K-mart than you said I could get.

I'm sorry in general for not being as understanding or compassionate as I should be. I'm working on changing this, and I hope to be a better person in the future. I'm assuming some of you are wondering what the heck this post is all about. In short: I'm just feeling bad about things from the past, because of things I'm going through right now. Transitioning in life is hard, and I'm trying to find my own way in this world. It's all just really hard to do. 

No True Title

I really don't know what to say. I'm hurt. I'm mad. But I can't say about what, because that's going against family. I never imagined growing up would be this hard to do.

I'm sitting in Panera, and I've got a really bad headache from all that's gone on. The yelling, the "I'm not going to talk about it", the "be more mature"', the awkward tension in a room.

I get that I've made mistakes. I've made a lot of them. I bounced around from girl to girl in high school. Probably faster than most. Actually no, definitely faster than most.

I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for thinking I was a hotshot with the world at my fingertips and disposal. It's my fault for being who I was.

I'm sorry for the last year. For not being man enough to stand up on my own and say what I should have said.

I'm sorry for right now. For just now getting to the point I can start to quietly express things and attempt to keep my cool, before things are blown up (which they more than often are).

I'm sorry for not being the man I should be, but am desperately trying to be, despite the constant "you need to grow up".

I'm sorry for talking back. Or what people think is talking back, instead, me searching for answers to the ever short question of "WHY?"

I'm sorry for not communicating as well. Or saying what I feel the right way it needs to be said. Or saying it too much.

I wish I could write more. I wish I could really talk about what I feel deep down inside. But I can't do that to my family. But I can say that I wish things were different. I've been wishing that since I was about 12. But they haven't changed. I doubt they will change much. But I'm going to change me. At least I can do that. 

I'm sorry.

Life has been real interesting lately. I've learned a lot in a short amount of time. I realized I've been a jerk to a lot of people. It hasn't been good. Some may not realize that, because it's easy to put up a decent front online, minus the occasional rage-tweet. But I've realized my sarcasm has hurt people. My  what I thought was, snarky and just funny comments were actually hurting people.

I had a long talk with my dad the past few days, and he got me to realize some things I need to work on, and I actually want to progress and make myself better. For one, I need to be more mature with how I treat an argument. Usually I would get very rude, sarcastic, and extremely biting in what I say to people. Especially towards my mom and family. It's not right to them to treat them like that, even if some make comments I don't like back to me, I can't win a fight, fighting fire with fire (that's really hard to type out this early in the morning. Keep thinking I'm unintentionally typing double).

Not only that, but I need to mature up a bit in general. I'll be honest, I would love to marry my girlfriend. But admittedly, I'm not the man she deserves yet. There's aspects, sure. But I need to be better than I am, and thanks to my parents, especially my dad, for showing me how and why I'm not that quite yet, but I'm close and I want to work on being better.

To everyone that I've wronged: I'm sorry. To my mom, sister, dad, family, friends, anyone else in cyberspace I don't know, but have been a jerk to: I'm sorry. I really am, and I wish I could make it up to you some how, but I can at least promise that I'm working to be better from here on.

Now, for the naysayers on questioning where my adventurous side, or dreams have gone (I know you're out there...)

I still have my dreams. I still would love to work for Disney. There's options I'm actually considering I thought I wouldn't with the company. For example: The Disneyland Parks president just transferred over to Walt Disney World in Florida. Without going into too many geek-details, he has done a great job maintaining and enhancing Disneyland. Walt Disney World has some issues, and he's definitely the man to resolve them. So if I graduate, and apply for positions there, I could possibly be moving to Florida for a job I never considered as a kid.

To be honest, if I don't get Disney for some years, and I find other equally cool jobs, then I'm completely okay with that. It's what God gives me, and I'm okay with moving around the country to new places. I love California, and always will, despite the politics, but I'm content now with getting outside my backyard and trying something totally new. Time will tell, but I'm excited to see how this plays out.

From here on, I'm going to be more friendly than I have. Talk to people I've shut out before. Not make the sarcastically rude comments, and learn to speak with a bit more tact and class. It'll only make me a better person.