Having it all, and losing it.

DISCLAIMER: This is a very lengthy post. Read if you wish. 

Ever have those moments you just want to scream? Where you had things that you loved and wanted to keep working at, but get it yanked out from underneath you, and forces you to work with a lot less? I do, and still do.

I’m homeschooled. Not by choice. I went to Bakersfield Christian High. Basically the best school in town. Tuition costs more (now) than Cal State Bakersfield. It’s insane, but the education is worth it. Mac desktops with programs that give you wonderful amounts of access to information, teachers that take time before, during lunch, and after school to sit down with you and talk you through a problem, thesis, or even just to chat about the school sports. I was never top of my class, but I was a good student. I got relatively good grades, and some bad grades (almost didn’t pass Spanish ), but I did ok. I played baseball and football. I helped out with theater when they needed it. I loved it. I loved being at a school where I could be my average self in a crowd of kids that have been raised with silver spoons in their mouths. I had a lot of friends from various 'cliques', and was pretty well rounded overall. I was doing great until December of 2010.

Last year I was signed out of BCHS halfway through my Junior year. It sucked. It hurt like none other to have to take that final walk out of the parking lot, leaving behind numerous good friends, and teachers I really loved spending time with inside and out of the classroom. I had to leave because the economy fell flat and my dad’s company went bankrupt. I can remember pretty clearly that the school handed me a box full of Christmas dinner items. A turkey, stuffing, canned cranberry sauce, etc., And not but an hour earlier I was in a conversation with friends hearing how one was flying to Paris for break, and another was going to New York to see a few Broadway shows. Question came around to me. Not 'what are you going to do on break?' but 'WHERE are you going on break?' I had no answer. I wasn't going anywhere but back to my house thirty minutes from campus. This was one of the lowest points I've had in my life. My family has never been rich, but we've been stable. Enough to live comfortable, but never extravagantly. But walking away from the school, holding that box of Christmas dinner items, I felt worlds away from those kids. I felt defeated, and severely hurt. I was on financial aid trying to stay at the school, but we couldn't even afford it then. I lost.

I’m now home every day. Some say that’s awesome, and at times it is nice to be able to go do whatever you want whenever you want. But that’s not me. I hate not having the 45 minute class periods where I know that I only have 45 minutes of class time to learn what I need to learn. Where I have to get in, listen and study, get out and move on. It may be crazy to some, maybe even most, but I don’t like having the leisure time to learn. It can be great, because you can go in depth with topics for as long as you want, but I miss the tight schedule. I miss it, because I get too loose. If I know I have a lot of time to work on things, I procrastinate. I check Facebook continuously, tweet frequently, text excessively. It’s undeniably hard to focus when I’m here, because I know I’ve got time. I want to have no time, and I want the ‘crunch time’ back.

It hurts. I miss that school like none other, and I’m cringing at the thought that I won’t be up there with my friends this year on stage graduating with them. I’ll be in the audience, and cheering along with everyone else when their names get called and their diplomas handed to them. But it’s going to hurt.

 A big thing with my family is Disney. I've grown up with watching their movies, going to the parks, reading the stories, and playing with the toys. Ever since the second grade, I've wanted to work for them, creating magic, and more importantly, memories for families to remember for years. It's been a part of me for as long as I can remember. As I've gotten older I've learned more, and started to talk more with people in the company. I've had lunch with Dave Smith, the then head archivist for the company. I spent two hours chatting with Steve Davison, the VP of parades and spectaculars about World of Color, how he started with the company, and just life in general at the public premier of World of Color.

I know many cast members, and enjoy talking to them on a frequent basis. I'm starting to find ways to start a career there in the near future. But with all those times talking to the cast members, I try to frequent the parks as often as possible. My family loves going down there to spend a day, or even just a night at the parks riding a few rides, getting dinner, and just enjoying the time together. Some say I go too much, but my answer to that is 'well, you go to the dunes on the weekend to ride quads right? (or whatever frequent activity they do) That's the same thing for me, only with Disney.'

But this year, We're probably not going to renew our annual passes. Why? Because money is tight, and people love to watch and complain about what we do. It may seem a juvenile reason with the family, but it is really hard when you get brow beaten about everything you do. Not even with Disney, but literally EVERYTHING.

The biggest reason I'm posting this, is that I've been struggling on how to cope with some things. First thing is manipulation. I can't stand it when people tweak things to their advantage. If someone gets lucky, and gets something cool handed their way, that's awesome. Good stroke of luck. But to demand the uses of others to force your own 'success' and well being is flat out wrong. I feel like I've been cheated out of things because people close (not emotionally, but unfortunately literally) put a strain on things and drains everything from us. I lost BCHS, and I'm going to probably lose my pass to one of the few earthly things I live for, all because of the manipulation of others.

 Another thing is prying into other people's business. See, I'm a pretty transparent man. I feel that I will let others know the majority of things on my own time. But when people start to poke and prod at me for info, I turn into a snail. If you poke me, I will hide in my shell until you leave, and you won't get anything out of me. It's like my family and I have no privacy anymore. I know we have our family blog, and I have this site, but at least we can moderate what we want readers to know about us.

It's incredibly frustrating when you live in a bubble, and you're forced to put a smile on and deal with other people's stupidity that surrounds you. I wish I could tell these people off in person, but it won't work. All that will happen is they'll think I'm attacking them. Hopefully they see through this post, in simple black and white letters that I won't take their crap anymore.

Things will get better though, I'm sure.  College is this fall, and I’ll be able to do things on my own a bit more freely, and create my schedule that works for me. I'm going to be so busy that I won't have to be around the people that bring us down as much, and if they want to be nosy, well they can see what I do. AFTER I do it, and AFTER I post it online. Otherwise, they'll have no clue, and that's going to feel so great. Knowing they know nothing about me, and have no room to complain and nit pick at my life.

Now its time to count down the days to when I can spread these cramped wings and fly.