I really don't know what to say. I'm hurt. I'm mad. But I can't say about what, because that's going against family. I never imagined growing up would be this hard to do.
I'm sitting in Panera, and I've got a really bad headache from all that's gone on. The yelling, the "I'm not going to talk about it", the "be more mature"', the awkward tension in a room.
I get that I've made mistakes. I've made a lot of them. I bounced around from girl to girl in high school. Probably faster than most. Actually no, definitely faster than most.
I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for thinking I was a hotshot with the world at my fingertips and disposal. It's my fault for being who I was.
I'm sorry for the last year. For not being man enough to stand up on my own and say what I should have said.
I'm sorry for right now. For just now getting to the point I can start to quietly express things and attempt to keep my cool, before things are blown up (which they more than often are).
I'm sorry for not being the man I should be, but am desperately trying to be, despite the constant "you need to grow up".
I'm sorry for talking back. Or what people think is talking back, instead, me searching for answers to the ever short question of "WHY?"
I'm sorry for not communicating as well. Or saying what I feel the right way it needs to be said. Or saying it too much.
I wish I could write more. I wish I could really talk about what I feel deep down inside. But I can't do that to my family. But I can say that I wish things were different. I've been wishing that since I was about 12. But they haven't changed. I doubt they will change much. But I'm going to change me. At least I can do that.
I'm sitting in Panera, and I've got a really bad headache from all that's gone on. The yelling, the "I'm not going to talk about it", the "be more mature"', the awkward tension in a room.
I get that I've made mistakes. I've made a lot of them. I bounced around from girl to girl in high school. Probably faster than most. Actually no, definitely faster than most.
I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for thinking I was a hotshot with the world at my fingertips and disposal. It's my fault for being who I was.
I'm sorry for the last year. For not being man enough to stand up on my own and say what I should have said.
I'm sorry for right now. For just now getting to the point I can start to quietly express things and attempt to keep my cool, before things are blown up (which they more than often are).
I'm sorry for not being the man I should be, but am desperately trying to be, despite the constant "you need to grow up".
I'm sorry for talking back. Or what people think is talking back, instead, me searching for answers to the ever short question of "WHY?"
I'm sorry for not communicating as well. Or saying what I feel the right way it needs to be said. Or saying it too much.
I wish I could write more. I wish I could really talk about what I feel deep down inside. But I can't do that to my family. But I can say that I wish things were different. I've been wishing that since I was about 12. But they haven't changed. I doubt they will change much. But I'm going to change me. At least I can do that.
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1 comment:
All you can do is take what you've been taught and TRY to use it as you go through life. You will probably always make mistakes, but those are what you learn from. You have recently taken a HUGE step just recognizing some of the things that you were doing and trying to change them but you don't need to become some different person. You are great the way you are and that is why so many people are drawn to you. I am grateful for our friendship and I, too, am still learning to speak up for myself. Hope you're doing OK.
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